Monday, December 4, 2017

Reason Why I Don't Date

Dear Zach,

After nights of contemplating and thinking of the sole reason why I refuse to date or start a serious relationship, I have finally come to the terms to that. Or should I put it this way, the core reason for that.

I am financially unavailable. 

For those you may be thinking, "Dating or starting a relationship does not cost a penny." Let me break it down for you one by one. 

I live in a city with a salary just adequate for myself alone. I live with my parents. I drive my mum's car to work. I do not have to pay rent and no commitment issue. I am free for that. The expenses which include gas and teleservice are less than RM400. I extract a sum of my salary for my own saving and parent's allowance. All and all, this comes down to remaining RM1000. RM500 for my food allowance and another RM500 for emergency uses. My dad has paid off my PTPTN loan in which I am truly grateful for that. I am debt free and I couldn't ask for more. 

Typical dating cost averagely RM1000 per month. 

1. Movies - RM18-20 for movie tickets/ popcorns and shit RM15. So there goes RM30-40 per movie going. A month will cost RM160. 

2. Lunch and Dinner (assuming you date all day with your man) - fancy eat out costs RM15-25 per portion. RM12 for beverages. Total = 25 + 12 = RM37 per fucking meal. RM74 for 2 typical meals.

3. Hang out and chill at fancy cafe - A cup of coffee cost RM12. RM15 for large. RM9 for cakes. Total RM21 for just sitting and eating a fucking cakes. 

4. If he's working out at high end gym, you may be very likely workout with him at his gym - gym membership RM189 - RM200 per month. 

5. Miscellaneous - Minimum RM100-200 a gift to make each other happy. 

A month of typical dating as shown above would cost RM950 to or more than RM1200. You can calculate based on your frequency of dating. 

So, you can see how much it costs to spend for a date. Literally a date could drain you as much money from your wallet as it could. Unless he's rich, sadly I am not rich. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. That amount of money for a month can be used for so much occasion. Why would I want to spend for meaningless date whereby it will eventually lead to break up as commonly it will be? 

You probably think that he would surely understand my situation and he will pay for everything when we date. Clearly, one has a limit too! I can't expect him to pay for everything and not feeling guilty about it. Sooner or later, he would get fed up with me and call me as gold-digger. Typical gay guy loves to hang out at the mall. How much sex can we offer for a day if we were to stay home? Clearly, one of us would be bored of each other. 

They said "No matter what, you have to spend some money in dating.". This is why I don't date. Can't you see how much it cost? 

If both are attracted to each other just because of sex, why not just have sex and get it done? Sex is free and liberal. 

I choose sex over date. That's why. 

Sunday, December 3, 2017


Dear Zach,

I don't know why I am like this, I am getting more and more passive in terms of socializing. I hardly initiate a text to anyone lately. I found myself that I have no reason to do so. Because of that, I lost a lot of opportunities in meeting good lad. Because of that, I've pushed away the guy I loved.

It's okay. I am never worthy enough to be loved. I am never worthy enough for everyone.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

I Miss Missing You

Dear Zach,

There were times when I was thinking what I did wrong to deserve to be alone all the time. I was never loved by any man in my life. I loved him but he did not. Probably I was seeking for attention.

I was given advice that I should stop dabbling around having sex with random guys for good. Probably the stupidest shit I've ever heard. As if I stop doing that, the man you love will come to you sooner. I don't believe that. Some guy abstain himself for a years yet he's still single. Probably they should try harder enough to be single to get a guy.

Out of the blue tonight, I just missed him.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Sext Back

Dear Zach,

It is totally not surprising the fact that my phone was busy receiving incoming message mostly from hookups I met, those who I plan to meet, and those who I don't intend to meet. We chatted over hookup apps, getting to know the basic, and eventually came down to the sexual topic we both dying to know about. Thing was going on pretty well for a week. When the days gone by, it all boiled down to zero. Neither of us were bothered to text each other. It's either me waiting for him to text first or him waiting for my text. Some were even so irritating. For instance, I was under the weather for a week with flu and terrible cough, this guy I met two weeks ago was keeping up with my condition every day. First I thought, he was nice for concerning about me. Then it was not so nice. Every time by the end of the chat, he always kept assuming that I would be able to meet him up either that night itself or the night after. I was being polite to decline because I was not in the mood for sex due to my illness. He seemed to not understand. To one extent, I told him: "I want to meet you. But not now. You don't have to keep asking the same thing." It was blunt and honest. He texted me the next day again. I was reluctant to reply him back. The conversation ended half way. So last night, I tried texting him again, gauging his response. Well, he did not text back again. I understand. It is just sex. As I always said, if sex were to be removed from the equation, mostly we have nothing else better to offer. We are boiled down to the level of superficial. No surprise there, without sex, none of the relationship is working. Probably I should start a spring cleaning for my contact list. 

Sunday, November 26, 2017

nonmonogamous dating

Dear Zach,

It has been years that I have been discovering myself physically and sexually. But I couldn't put my finger on what I really want. I thought of having a boyfriend whenever I feel lonely. When sex was done, I feel like I needed attention rather than a physical being by my side. I gave thought of having an open relationship with someone. Though, the notion is intrigue. That being said, the jealousy of me having a thought of my man fucking around would definitely surpass the brim of my cup - overflowed. So open relationship for me is definitely not working. I am the type that "you for me; me for all." If you know what I mean. I am selfish that way. 

Today, I came across this read about a girl who isn't ready settle down with one guy but want to date with a few guy, dabbling around with one-night-stands. She enjoys the way she's having it but she felt somewhat missing something yet she insists on not readying for a serious relationship. She called it as "nonmonogamous dating". It's like you enjoy meeting guys you really like on sexually and intellectual level. It somehow describes my current circumstance so perfectly. 

In fact, I am learning a lot about my sexuality through interacting with distinctly different partners. One week, I met 3 different guys. On Monday, I met A. On Wednesday, I met B. If I am not sexually tired, I would be on Grindr scoaching for guys. Yes, this is me on daily basis. I have 3 regular partners: Two of them are my favorite - sex was great with them, but there was so much more than that we connected. Somehow sex has deepened our connection.

And I learn a lot about Guys too. You can call me Sexpert. The more guys I met, the more I know better of myself in what I really want from myself. I learn about experiences from the guys I met about their tragic break up, hooks up, high and low in relationship, and it further pursues me that monogamous relationship is not my thing to be sought after anymore. It has become so unrealistic people want to be in it because it has to after seeing people got into relationship on Facebook. Y'all may think I am just creating an excuse for being a hoe. I am fine with it. I am actually happier that way. I do not need to deal with jealousy. I do not need to deal with worrisome petty argument. And I do not need to deal with boredom. People are actually open-minded with relationship. Depending on how you project your relationship in anyway you wish. But, sadly, most guys are living back in 90s', thinking monogamous relationship will bring us happily ever after. 
© Dear Zach
Maira Gall