Tired To Please

Dear Zach,

I'm reaching to the point that I was so tired of these sliding message in my Instagram account and begin with friendly greeting to the where he started saying horny and shit.

Is this what am I supposed to get from men? Is that it?

They see me as sex object?

Why can't they say something nice to me?

I'm gonna respect myself before I throw myself into another lie again.

Paranoia

Dear Zach,

I'm still debating to blog about this. 

Even though I was tested clean last Saturday. But, on Sunday, I had sex with this Malay daddy for the second time. It was great sex. He fucked so hard for the last few minutes before he cum. But the only thing that irked me was that I wasn't sure if the condom slipped off when he cum or it slipped off when he pull out that time. I was extremely paranoid. I even checked the condom while he was showering. It didn't have any white remnants. He said he came last night so probably not much cum in the condom. Which I resort to the notion of cumming inside of me. I did try to shit it out afterward, nothing came out. 

On the way back home, I asked if he's clean, last sex with, safe sex and last checkup. His last checkup was July 2017. Not sure if I am afraid. On Tuesday, my throat is itching. Then I have a mild fever. My paranoia began. I texted him again if he's telling the truth. He got fed up with me. Saying I shouldn't be having sex at all.

"If I were to be infected, probably God punished me for my undoing. Hopefully I won't spread it to others too." I can't blame him for having a go at me. But I was too scare. He said he did not have any rashes or fever or any sort of symptoms. No. None. 

I frantically checked online if the symptoms show in 3 or 4 days after contracting. It's not very likely.  

Probably I was happened to be under the weather these few days? 

Please God. 

Please tell me it's just under the weather. 

Fuck You

Dear Zach,

I feel foolish. It's okay. At least I know now that I don't really love him as much as I thought I would. Instead, I felt an instant relief. I'm done with him.

I didn't wake up feeling dreadful; I felt a surge of motivation to improve my well-being.

Fuck him. At least I didn't have raw sex with him. Thank God. I still don't trust him saying he didn't meet anyone else. Fuck I would believe him. Every man tells a lie. He ain't shit.

Hope he won't get HIV from the sex he gets. He would have seen it coming.

It's fucking over

Dear Zach,

He wants space. I gave him a fucking space. A space that says "over"

"A lot of thing in my mind to take care of. I need some space."

"I won't bother you anymore."

I made an fucking effort. He didn't. It's over. I deserve someone better than this scumbag. Fuck him.

Annual Checkup For HIV-STD screening

Dear Zach,

So I went for blood test for HIV-STD screening on Monday and got my report back on Saturday. I am tested clean. It's just that I am in the grey zone for Chlamydia. Which mean I may not have it or may have it.
For the safe side, I straightaway went to the panel clinic with my report to get medication. Though I am glad my report came back with negative.

  

No Move

Dear Zach,

He has yet made any feedback to me.

And yet he has time for Instagram.

I am not important to him anymore.

I should let him go.

Too Little Too Late

Dear Zach,

It wasn't easy for me to deal it.

He was at outstation. He said he will be back here soon and sort this out.

He told me he's meeting a few guys but nothing more than that. It's just beginning of the stage. Getting to know each other but not more than that.

"You have moved on. I understand."

"Options are always open." He said.

I have confessed everything to him. Now the ball is at his side. Whether or not he wants to accept it. It's entirely up to him.

I don't force him. My ultimate goal is to let him know I love him. If he's not interested in me anymore, I perfectly understand.

I guess its too little too late for now. Probably I should move on too.

Confession of Love

Dear Zach,

" ..... I love you ...." I listened to the voice note that I sent to him few hours ago. I said it. Over a voicenote. Confessing my love to him. I did it. I never did such thing.

I wasn't sure why I did it. It just occurred to me when I unwillingly scroll through his Instagram. I left 10 voicenote on whatsapp to him.

I told him he's the only guy I'ever fallen in love with. The first guy I love.

"I'm sorry if I said this now. I do love you a lot. I love you. If you have found someone else, I don't mind. But I just wanted to let you know how I feel about you for the past 2 years. I love you, Adam."  

Are You Still Raw-Sexing?

Dear Zach,

It's been exactly one week I did not have sex. It's record-breaking. But it's fine. I lost the urge to suck dick every week.

As y'all know, I have a tumblr of my own and I pretty much spend 20 minutes daily just to check on the porns.

I am very intrigue of these guys having bareback sex all the time. I would say 90% of the videos are comprised of bareback sex. They are local malay of course.

It was great to watch. Certainly turn me on so bad. Weren't they scare?

The case of HIV is rising by day. It spreading like crazy. When I was asked for bareback sex, I declined straightaway. I never wanted to risk my life with stupid decision ever again.

Are you still doing it ?

Shelf Life of Sex Buddy

Dear Zach,

Frankly, I am in constant motion of seeking new tops over the year. I did not settle to one top only. I have more tops than usual. Because I tend to get bored with one top knowing how "well" a top can perform. 

Newfound top can be easily having sex every week. Probably meeting twice a week because we were both crazy for each other. Two weeks later, the hype was dying down a little. From having twice to once weekly to once in two week to once a month. It is a common scenario and before you guys start judging me, most guys tend to seek for new fresh guy for fun as well. I am not ashamed for it. 

There's this vers guy I met in the beginning of the year, we literally have sex every week. Frequency turning down low to once a month. Last I had with him was 31st Aug. It wasn't even sex. He couldn't even hard because he came in the morning. After that, I did not really bother to find him anymore. 

Average "shelf life" of typical sex buddy last around 3 to 4 months. Depending on how much credits you are giving to him in terms of performance. The shortest for me was 3 weeks. Before I knew it, I was scrolling through gay apps looking for potential tops. I heard some of the fuck buddy last for a year. That makes me envious. 

I mean. It is very common, right? There's what these gay apps for. I don't blame my tops looking for others. It makes me jealous but who I am to them? 

Top? Bottom? Versatile? Vers-Top ? Vers-Bottom?

Dear Zach,

I came across a lot of guys for the past few years and recently I found out that the growing demand of top is drastically increasing. Gay apps are mainly saturated with mostly bottoms or vers-bottoms or vers-tops. To my disappointment, most messages i got are versatile. But when they sensed my dismay of their sexual position as versatile, they quickly said that they were more to top. 

I am proudly to say that I am a total bottom. I enjoyed getting penetrated with huge cocks with fast and hard poundage. And I do suck cock. I love sucking cock. I never liked being a top. Because I don't like it. I tried a few times and it wasn't my thing. Though the bottom likes it; I don't. 

I prefer a total top guy. When comes to the limited selection, I may have prefer vers-top. But never with a vers-bottom. I have invites from vers-bottom. But I don't know I just don't like to fuck with them. Some tops are becoming bottom. They told me that they kinda enjoy it. They asked me to try and fuck them. I rejected instantly. They scene is changing and the tops are going to bottoming direction and less and less tops are available in the market. I wonder why.